can't think
can't write
can't speak

about anything other than you

have my heart
have my tongue
have my body

don't want them anymore

can feel
still know
want

you, only you

unhappy
discontent
miserable
dejected

they all mean the same thing:

I'm without you.

untitled

How can I understand

this complicated matter?

Your words are like a dagger

that penetrates my imperfect heart

You ask so much of me

yet I've nothing to give

I try too hard and fail again

and You still request the same

Why are you still here?

next to this wretched part

Can you see my withered heart

and each desire within?

Forgive me for my failure

pick me up again, just once more

I praise Your understanding

You've never left my side

I'll continue on

to glorify Your name

even though I'm inadequate

I'll serve you all the same

i wish i was in Frederick right now. downtown at the market street cafe- because i really fucking want some blackberry ice cream. plus, i want to be around my home area. i want to be surrounded by old buildings and books. lots of books. i want to sit and read fiction for hours and not be disturbed. bothered. molested. harrassed by this fucking world. i want to be far far away from where i actually am. there is nothing i can do either. i can't just pick up and go. i'm not that irresponsible- yet. i want to be. i long to just run away from all it is that i hate. i can't even decide what it is that i hate. it's inexplicable. seriously. what the hell? i just want to leave. it all. everyone. even myself. i want to surrender, give up, throw in the towel. i want to say to the world: FUCK YOU, I QUIT. but i can't. i can't even bring myself to cut anymore for fear someone will see and ask me about it. i don't want to ever have to explain myself and what it is i do. i don't want people to understand me. i don't want to care anymore. i can stop caring about school work. i can stop caring about certain people. it's just the random and hard-to-fucking-deal with few that are killing me. i can't leave school. i can't forget matt. i can't move on. i can't do this anymore. i cannot. i just. what. i just. what... what Leila. you what? oh, you give up. you quit? you failure. you fucking failure who can't even keep her friends or her love. what the hell? no one will miss you. that's what i keep telling myself. why do i even care if they miss me? why do i fucking care? i don't... but i do. i don't want them, but they want me. isn't that twisted? 

i look up the heavens, to the blue hued sky. i speak to God and i tell him: i want him. i point to the man i want, matt. i want him and no other. i want him forever. 
God asks me one question, but does he want you? 
Good one God. i don't know. he won't tell me.

fuck; this won't go away
fuck; i can't stop thinking about him
fuck; i don't want to because i love him
fuck; he doesn't love me back

shit; this feels like shit
shit; he doesn't love me
shit; yet again i let it happen
shit; i still have to see him

damn; you don't understand
damn; shut up
damn; i want to run away
damn; i can't, i can't leave, because if i leave i'll never get to see him again and i really really really want to. 

fuck; i don't care anymore what you think

after all this time. dang it. why? why do i still love him so much? after all he's done to me. after all i've been through and learned. i still let it happen. i still want to be with him. i love him so much. i'll allow him to get close to me, even if i know in the end he'll pull away. which he always does.

i'm such a stupid girl. i make fun of girls who can't stand up for themselves and for what they want. but the reality is i'm just like them. i do the same thing. i know it. i can't let go of him, and i can't grasp the fact that he doesn't want me. he wants anybody. he doesn't care. but i do. about him. so much. i want to die. i want this to end. i thought it would leave after 3 years without him, but i was so wrong. it's just as bad as it was then.

i still love him. i still love everything about him. from the way he laughs to his hands running through my hair. from the way he looks at me to the way he kisses me. i love the way he gets turned on and isn't embarassed. i love it when he strokes my face and checks me out. i love his arms around me and his lips on mine. i like that we know each other, that we know what the other person likes. i love that he listens to me. but i hate that he knows i'm vulnerable, i hate that he knows i love him still. i hate that he uses that to his advantage. this couldn't have come at a better time. i'm already miserable, so what's one more thing to cry about? seriously. i'm crying all the time anyway. this just gives me one more reason to cry myself to sleep.

the man i've been in love with for 6 years doesn't love me back. and can't. and won't. 

what if we're perfect for each other? what if he's the one? he doesn't want me....

i cut to remember. stop being so dumb Leila. remember the cuts. remember what you shouldn't do.

once more
return to past
cannot forget
cannot change

it calls to me
again
again
again

cycle moving
nothing better
same mistakes
same regrets

love once lost
thought recovered
discovered wrong
back to this

once again

i sit alone

wondering if you're listening

i hear, all the voices

within me

telling me

forever alone, never loved, failure, mistakes

why do i listen

why do i cry

why do i react

i need you to listen to me

i need you to hear my vibrating screams

that echo with every move i make

look in my eyes

see my fears

sweet conviction

how you make me sad

and yet more

more than happy

more than this

better

knowing You

knowing You're here

i feel

guarded

withdrawn

and yet

the hurt

and negativity

penetrate

to my core

i cannot

continue risking

must change

defense strategy

take a chance

it seems

my walls

function not

nothing outward

no expression

only within

can you see

the pain

the anguish

the bitter defeat

i gave up

and gave in

let it take

let it feed

but not now

no more

of this

i cleanse

and set free

and release

my heart

through You

claim it

it's Yours

and not his

my broken

weeping

yet redeemed

heart