after all this time. dang it. why? why do i still love him so much? after all he's done to me. after all i've been through and learned. i still let it happen. i still want to be with him. i love him so much. i'll allow him to get close to me, even if i know in the end he'll pull away. which he always does.

i'm such a stupid girl. i make fun of girls who can't stand up for themselves and for what they want. but the reality is i'm just like them. i do the same thing. i know it. i can't let go of him, and i can't grasp the fact that he doesn't want me. he wants anybody. he doesn't care. but i do. about him. so much. i want to die. i want this to end. i thought it would leave after 3 years without him, but i was so wrong. it's just as bad as it was then.

i still love him. i still love everything about him. from the way he laughs to his hands running through my hair. from the way he looks at me to the way he kisses me. i love the way he gets turned on and isn't embarassed. i love it when he strokes my face and checks me out. i love his arms around me and his lips on mine. i like that we know each other, that we know what the other person likes. i love that he listens to me. but i hate that he knows i'm vulnerable, i hate that he knows i love him still. i hate that he uses that to his advantage. this couldn't have come at a better time. i'm already miserable, so what's one more thing to cry about? seriously. i'm crying all the time anyway. this just gives me one more reason to cry myself to sleep.

the man i've been in love with for 6 years doesn't love me back. and can't. and won't. 

what if we're perfect for each other? what if he's the one? he doesn't want me....

i cut to remember. stop being so dumb Leila. remember the cuts. remember what you shouldn't do.

once more
return to past
cannot forget
cannot change

it calls to me
again
again
again

cycle moving
nothing better
same mistakes
same regrets

love once lost
thought recovered
discovered wrong
back to this