I hate the way I feel inside

a broken, shattered heart

So many things to change within

but where's the place to start?

Confused and lost, even angry

that's the way I feel

whenever you're around

I hate the way I feel around you

When will this feeling stop?

failure, failure all the time

nothing ever changes

Why do I always feel this way

when I'm not the one to blame?

I'll take responsibility 

I can be your scapegoat

even if you insist you're to blame

I will always know it's me

My heart knows I'm to blame

only my mind disagrees

you may have kissed me first

but I willed you to kiss me

I love "making" you kissme

the rush, the taste, just everything

Guilt is not in my vocabulary

when it comes to kissing you

12:32 am on a Tuesday morning

16 seconds of your voice

how i miss you already

little sister

my little sister left for marine corp boot camp today. i'm going to miss her terribly- something awful. the random phone calls or text messages. even our little tifs. she means so much to me and i'm not going to get to see her or hear her voice for the next 13 weeks. i intend to write her at least one letter per week, starting next week. 

she stays in a hotel tonight and buses down to parris island, sc tomorrow morning. i'm so proud of her and i want her to succeed in all she puts her mind to.

it wasn't me

yet for some reason

it was

it was me

who didn't attract

or keep your attention

the other one,

the other girl,

she did though

and i didn't

and for some reason

i care enough

enough to write this

and wish that i could now say

that i had a boyfriend

that i had someone

of my own

who liked me

just me

for me

only me

but i'd rather

it this way

it's easier

no heartache 

after one date

no attachment

and at least you had the balls 

the balls to tell me the truth

for that i respect you

i like this. don't know where i heard it. but i was reminded of this recently due to the way my life is at times.

Three women were walking on a wall,
Feeling, Faith and Fact.
When Feeling took an awful fall,
Then Faith was taken back.
So close was Faith to Feeling,
That He stumbled and fell too.
But Fact remained and pulled Faith back,
And Faith brought Feeling too.

they're saying it

those three words

the ones i always said

and never heard

luckily

the ones i no longer feel

i just thought i'd find someone

before you

that was really all

i wanted, all that mattered

but i didn't.

and i haven't.

and you love her.

if you marry her...

if you do.

i might just never wake up

because it'll all be too real

it means i heard right

and even though

even though i know it

i don't

i wrote this at the honduras board meeting tonight- after learning that our trip scheduled to leave next friday is to be postponed. the situation in honduras is hard and not safe for travel at this time. we will set a date at the time God gives us, obviously after all this has died down.

one heart

we have for You

a dozen hearts

broken over this

two dozen hearts

trusting Your will

without You

we have no clarity

Your will

guides and gives direcion

our faith

may be weak

but still we trust

and still we love

You, only You

Yahweh, our Yahweh

forever Yahweh

completely Yahweh

i know it's the right thing

even if it breaks my heart

i won't get to see those women

for whom i've planned so much

a day awaits

a departure looms

even more disappointing 

might be the not going