waiting for
waiting in

not that bad
just a little

without you here
and that part of my life

you're missed
you're not here

i can't wait
until you are

luckily i have You
<3

Yahweh...

I know it's okay. I know You're near to me, wrapping me in Your arms.

I ask for wisdom and for direction.

For peace and to trust you through all circumstances.

You're my protector and my best friend.

All I have is through You and because of You.

You are my beloved. I am Yours.

Move and change me as You see fit.

Love,
Leila
Your daughter
Your chosen one
Your beloved

dawning and dusking
these both have passed

and it isn't new
but it feels new

each time
each succession

Your faithfulness
must surround me

Your grace
must envelope me

otherwise I'd be...

lost.

but I'm not

it's happening.

my heart is happening.

the beating

rushing

the feeling

missing

praying

and knowing

it's right

but the thought still hurts

another day another time

i might have been apathetic

but now i care

now i can't not care

i want

and i feel

i'll pray

and i'll draw near

and

and

and

and

that is all i can think

i haven't a clue

just where to go

where to turn to

only to You

i need You to steer

and to steer me clear

clearly away or

even towards

the ebb and the flow

the beat and the go

my feet and the floor

my heart and the door

your touch and the feeling

the arising and reeling

my trust and my needing

Your path and Your leading

all honor and glory

may it be your story

forever Your name

forever Your fame

it isn't like i mean to

but i'm a sinner

i want the change

crave the change

but never change

my heart is surrendered

and so am i

i'm trying

trying not

praying for

and with

wanting and

not wanting

no rush

but rushed

my heart

in Your hands

if i'm to believe

if i'm to trust

then i need your strength

and your peace to do so

i need you close to me

i want you to help me

to hold me

to whisper to me

to kiss me

and remind me

that You do and You can and You are

i'd like to read more.

my goal is to read all the harry potter books by Christmas

and i thought maybe

it's not automatic

my heart, that is

it's not voluntary

this way

control and freedom

are both things i must surrender

pressure makes me wilt

but can it make me flourish

i want to wait

i might even want to change

the next step

if there is a step at all

i won't make a move

until You say

i won't change a thing

i won't pursue

until You say

the hope

the hope

i never have hope

keep me steady

keep me strong

on Your path

away from temptation

away from trouble

in Your hands

your motives

are questionable

my heart

could be in jeopardy

unless surrendered.

here and now

it is.

same goals

same love

this could be awesome

but scary

i'm looking forward

to what you have, Yahweh

i'm praying for Your hand

Your will, Your heart

in this

i trust

You

am i thriving

or merely surviving

and where is my heart

in this

all the sin

and the anguish

day to day

my heart sinks

new beginnings

false hopes

may they fade

away away away

and i haven't got a clue

not even a hint

of what comes next

of what is to come

i'm praying for it

praying for it all

my heart is anchored

anchored in You

to You, and for You

well that extra cash just paid the utilities. so much for actual extra cash.

i'm still grateful

another waiting day

praying

long days make me think the most

especially when i don't want to be thinking

or feeling

apathy- oh how i wish you were near again

and i wish my heart didn't exist.

that my mind wouldn't wander

and i wouldn't care at all

for you. or something like you. or something like what i think i want.

i haven't even met you

and yet i've prayed for you

you don't know my name

i don't know if i even know yours

but i'm praying for you

i'm praying for us

and i'm done.

done holding back.

in full grief and mourning mode

now, for the next 4 days

where is it

where is my heart in all this

i feel as if ive lost it

as if its yet to be replaced

emotions

feelings

nothing

i need more

away away i'm away from home

thankful for some space

some time

and some fiction

i think i know i'm depressed

when i listen to instrumental music

and make up my own

pathetic lyrics and prayers

this might be

this is definitely

one of those times

i need friday to come

i'm truly an idiot

it won't work out the way

i've wanted it to

or planned

but You've got it

right?

You'll take care of it

of it all.

four deep conversations today

this is what i was made for

this is what i live for

thank You

these relationships are from You

and even more

they're for you

You love them

thank You

i love what You're doing

i have no idea where this is going

where you're taking me

but my hand is in yours

and i'm allowing this

drag me, pull me, whatever need be

i'm ready, or at least i want to be

may i be more obsessed

more in love

more trusting

in who You are

not what you do

or what you provide

may my heart remember

all You are

to me

i won't marry anyone

unless i'm sure it's from You

i don't want a mess

a divorce

fucked up children

unresolved father issues

i want a marriage

that revolves around You

and Your heart

and Your love

heal the heart within

hold it close to Yours

while it's alone in my chest

and praying for the one

the one who You'll bring

not the problem solver

or the savior

but the love

the one who will love me

like You first loved me

like You love Your children

like You love the church

it's understood

he must pursue

who You want for me

must choose me

i'm not exactly ready

but i'm not unprepared

newness

difference

i don't feel stressed

i'm not scared

Yahweh, this is Yours

I am Yours

didn't you think it would have happened by now?

didn't you think it'd be different?

this isn't what i imagine,

much less dreamed for

i'm not saying it's better or worse

it's just the unexpected

25

annapolis

leader

friend

sister

daughter

roommate

best friend

missionary

but something is missing

i think something is missing

Yahweh, my Yahweh

may you be exalted

in my life

and through my life

glory to you

and not to myself

may you be in the midst

and all around

you are near

and i need you

remind me

move me

truth is all that you are

and i can't even grasp that

work within

may you flow through me

Yahweh- hold my heart close to yours

for i am weak and nearly willing

not really willing, but rather

desiring to give up

renew my spirit

give me strength and peace in the fullest measure

Yahweh, my Abba

please

and now to bed, to bed for me. believing Him, who dwells in me, to be the one to make me dream, to give me hope and give me peace. to Him be all the glory

i don't want another nothing

i'm praying for Your something

Your something is greater

my desires can't even compare

yours yours yours

may my heart be replaced, put aside

may it let go

release the fear

i truly truly really and truly

believe in You, in this, for this