i wish i was in Frederick right now. downtown at the market street cafe- because i really fucking want some blackberry ice cream. plus, i want to be around my home area. i want to be surrounded by old buildings and books. lots of books. i want to sit and read fiction for hours and not be disturbed. bothered. molested. harrassed by this fucking world. i want to be far far away from where i actually am. there is nothing i can do either. i can't just pick up and go. i'm not that irresponsible- yet. i want to be. i long to just run away from all it is that i hate. i can't even decide what it is that i hate. it's inexplicable. seriously. what the hell? i just want to leave. it all. everyone. even myself. i want to surrender, give up, throw in the towel. i want to say to the world: FUCK YOU, I QUIT. but i can't. i can't even bring myself to cut anymore for fear someone will see and ask me about it. i don't want to ever have to explain myself and what it is i do. i don't want people to understand me. i don't want to care anymore. i can stop caring about school work. i can stop caring about certain people. it's just the random and hard-to-fucking-deal with few that are killing me. i can't leave school. i can't forget matt. i can't move on. i can't do this anymore. i cannot. i just. what. i just. what... what Leila. you what? oh, you give up. you quit? you failure. you fucking failure who can't even keep her friends or her love. what the hell? no one will miss you. that's what i keep telling myself. why do i even care if they miss me? why do i fucking care? i don't... but i do. i don't want them, but they want me. isn't that twisted?