alone, so alone, so fucking alone

even within my own family

so alone, so alone, and by myself

regardless of location or time

i'll field your questions,

if you'd just ask

i'd tell you about myself,

if you would just think to ask

never mind

i expect too much

thankful for faith
and trust

thankful that You're with me

i can't even win at this

friendship

valued, but not

kind, but not

what mistakes i've made

what disappointments.

truth is i want to be apathetic, and care less than i do

i'm not at the end of my rope

another game
another day

waiting. i'm not even looking.
that's over.

You're not. You're it.

You're everything. be my sustainer

ps 54:4

"surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me"- NIV
"behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul"- NASB

sustain: to lean, lay, rest, support, put, uphold, lean upon, brace, refresh, or revive.

Yahweh sustains me. He sustains my soul. I can lean on Him. I can brace myself against Him. He will revive and refresh me. He is my support and my upholder.

timing. what timing.

as if it couldn't get worse.

it then does.

and the first place i turn is to myself.

i need You. Your help.

change me
fix me
for Your glory

this always happens
i lead and fail

i take responsibility for it all.

my heart cannot be the leader.

i don't want to wrestle with this
i don't want to be the same

i want it just to be normal
i want it to be organic

can't you just

but this is my expectation. yet again

this is what you wanted
this is what you get

i didn't ask for it
i didn't want it

this separation
this feeling of abandon

you did it
you did it

this isn't me.

this isn't my heart
this isn't who i am
or what i'm about

i'm not like this.

i never feel this way
i don't act like this
and i don't want to

who am i?

today. tomorrow. before
changed? renewed?
or the same old shit.

yes.
yes.

can't seem to catch my breath
or catch anything
can't catch up

heaviness about it all
my heart
my soul
me.

i feel wasted
i feel desolate
and yet there is hope
beyond this

right?

it all reminds me
random things

i want spring. i want to run

i don't want to feel
this

this anger and confusion

this hurt.

i already miss you.

this. us.

i get it. but i don't.

can i even say it's broken
when it was never in full repair

can it end
if it never was to be

you. why me.
so soon.

i can't even be what i expect myself to be, so how i can i expect you?
i don't know who i am, so do i know you?

i at least want to try to know both myself
and to know you

i want to be something else
something better
less of a failure
and more loving
more understanding
more trusting
and more adapting

but i'm not there yet
and obviously neither are you.
so where do we go from here?

i don't
know
i can't
begin

to say
the happiness
and joy

yes
me
leila
go figure

i'm trusting You
lead me.
us.
yes.

i am praying
are you?

what do you want from this?
i know what i want

timing. prayer.

Your desires

don't let the fear take over
don't let me fuck it all up
please