this
makes
me
smile

i don't know where i'm going
but i know where i've been
and i don't want to go back there
not for anything

forward
towards You
onward
with You by my side

Your guidance
Your will
i trust You
despite myself.

just because just because

how i love. how i love.

happiness
damn near destroys

but not me.
yet?

i can't seem to think
clearly or whatever
see?

the words i want to
write and the words
i do write
are not
the same

i
i
i
i

i am selfish
i want what i want
i do

where are you
in this mess
that i call
existence

have i deserted you
have i left you
i talk to you
i don't read about you

i talk about you
i talk around you
can i talk through you?
do you talk through me?
at all? any more? yet?

love me Jesus.
remind me that you're the most important thing
and that i'm important to you

am i really that lost without you?
am i really desperate for you?

what is my deal?
i should be. i should be so desperate for you.
and yet.
and yet.

i distrust
my own emotions
my own heart

and yet i trust
those of others
and yours

genuinely
i want
to know you more

i have no words
i have only this

this feeling of regret
this feeling of betrayal

i've been lanced
i've had my heart torn out

i don't know what to do
you are a best

were a best?
what now?

i don't know
how to be

fuck
what the fuck

what am i trying to say
and still not getting across?

how can i express
just how much i love You?

i need You to know
i want to tell You

more often than i do
more often than i have

You're my everything
all in all

You're kind of it
truly

surrender
I do

to You
and Your will

it isn't as easy
following you
as i believed
that it would be

i'm wandering
behind You
attempting to step
in Your steps

but Yours are larger
bigger, and better
i trip and i fall
again. and again.

i don't even know
how i'm supposed to feel

when are you going to make it clear?
when will i know?

listen to me.
hear my confusion.

hear my heart.
know my soul.

i think you already do
and yet i doubt.

and i need an answer
please

leaving.
tomorrow i'm finally

thrice.
i am loving

You
i need.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, my Jesus

How I love you. Even when I don’t show, don’t know, or don’t say. You are my wind, my rock, my fortress- in You I find strength and am made strong. You alone solidify me, gratify me, purify me, and sanctify me. In addition to my daily bread, please be my coffee. Be the thing that sustains me and energizes me. You alone should be glorified and honored in my life. I ask for selfishness to be drained, my pride to be strained, and my heart to be pained- for You and the things that pain You. May my love be strong, true, pure, and selfless. May I love people like you do- even if they’re dirty, messy, frail, weak, proud, crazy, and ugly. You love them, and therefore so should I. Let me embrace them as you have embraced me, let me erase my judgment and teach me to give grace. Let me not stray from You or your commands, allow me to stay in your presence, and let my heart no longer decay.

Yahweh

My love and father

My husband and best friend

On you I depend

On you I rely

Only on You

For you are constant

Dependable and trustworthy

Nothing compares to you

You keep promises

Not just make them

You establish plans

And see each one through

Your love is evident

In all things

I just have to look

I have to remember

How much of what You say is true?

You say You never lie

And yet I do not believe your words

I find it hard not to doubt

You are the perfect, the love, the truth

The one that I should follow

Yet even with a gentle leash

I tend to rebel, squirm, and run

Knowing all these things

And even so much more

Should make it easy to believe

And easier yet to obey

Such is not the case with me

With my broken, fallen heart

I cannot trust you blindly

Without a single doubt

Even in my broken state

Missing and tattered, I can still come

You’ll welcome me with open arms

And bid me to still follow

I will not cry a million times

Over something I have lost

But loving and then losing you

Made me realize the true cost

I cannot focus on the good

Or even on the bad

I cannot even think of you

And whatever it is that we had

All my words, thoughts, and feelings

I think I’ve gotten out

And I do not love you anymore

This I do not doubt

You left a mark, a horrid stain

On my broken heart

I’m still finding all the pieces

Since left with just this small part

she's home
she is a bit changed

i was home
not changed

the same friction
the same fights
the same tears
and the same annoyance

will it ever be different?
will we ever understand each other?

alone alone.

no escape

reality sets in

the money

or lack of

the time

and the energy

none

it would seem
that nothing would go right

it would seem

that i can't do anything

but it's not that way

things will get better

things will change

right?

it doesn't seem to matter

when it all piles up

it's just as big

as it was before

the time

the wait

the stress

the tears

the same equation

the same difference

nothing changes

even when it should

trying and failing is all i seem to do

the world around me stresses

the world within me cries

am i doing what i'm supposed be doing?

am i going where i'm supposed to?

is God pleased with my decisions?

what about my actions?

even worse, my motives?

is He?

I'm not.

I'd give anything and everything to change.

to be happy.

to be free.

to be completed.

murderous

murderous

is the pounding in my head

i cannot think

much less comprehend

anything i hear

my eyes water

and run

like my nose

breathing is laborious

and takes it all out of me

nothing more to give

i cannot speak

my voice can only whisper

nothing to say anyway

what am i even looking for?

why am i still looking for it?

the fog

the fill

within

cloudy

muggy

blocking it all

no exit

stuck inside

no release

so sick

so tired

drained

L A

so lost, so alone

but filled

really loved

depth and water

fame and fortune

not for me

but for some

the absolute

the fear

the love

and the trust

not sure
not so sure
anymore

of where

it all

went wrong

i thought

i had

a bit

some traits

some looks

and my boobs

that might

just might

make you look

make you want

make you talk

make you smile

maybe even

someone else

maybe him

i think

i think that

i do

and sometime

someday

he'll talk

he'll talk

to me

all day

everyday

forever

the days remaining

roaming and wandering, all throughout my mind, is, you, not you, You.

roaming and wandering, all throughout my mind, is, you, not you, but You.

You touch each corner, each part

You are always present, despite my attempts to ignore

You never leave, never forsake.

Just like You said You would, or wouldn't do.

The regret, and dismay

are temporary

but Your forgiveness,

is eternal.

in the midst of my failure

in the midst of utter despair

in the midst of right now

You, You, You, You

sick of the ridicule

sick of the chaos

to LA

far away

a dream

deferred

realized

and needed

accomplished much

but still so little

heaviness

outweighs what

might be considered

light

fragile

feet

tender

hands

immensely changed

rendered the same

fog, so much fog

i can't see straight

much less think clearly

the air affects it all

what fog, what clouds

all lovely, all perfect

but at what price

and what consequence

I hate the way I feel inside

a broken, shattered heart

So many things to change within

but where's the place to start?

Confused and lost, even angry

that's the way I feel

whenever you're around

I hate the way I feel around you

When will this feeling stop?

failure, failure all the time

nothing ever changes

Why do I always feel this way

when I'm not the one to blame?

I'll take responsibility 

I can be your scapegoat

even if you insist you're to blame

I will always know it's me

My heart knows I'm to blame

only my mind disagrees

you may have kissed me first

but I willed you to kiss me

I love "making" you kissme

the rush, the taste, just everything

Guilt is not in my vocabulary

when it comes to kissing you

12:32 am on a Tuesday morning

16 seconds of your voice

how i miss you already

little sister

my little sister left for marine corp boot camp today. i'm going to miss her terribly- something awful. the random phone calls or text messages. even our little tifs. she means so much to me and i'm not going to get to see her or hear her voice for the next 13 weeks. i intend to write her at least one letter per week, starting next week. 

she stays in a hotel tonight and buses down to parris island, sc tomorrow morning. i'm so proud of her and i want her to succeed in all she puts her mind to.

it wasn't me

yet for some reason

it was

it was me

who didn't attract

or keep your attention

the other one,

the other girl,

she did though

and i didn't

and for some reason

i care enough

enough to write this

and wish that i could now say

that i had a boyfriend

that i had someone

of my own

who liked me

just me

for me

only me

but i'd rather

it this way

it's easier

no heartache 

after one date

no attachment

and at least you had the balls 

the balls to tell me the truth

for that i respect you

i like this. don't know where i heard it. but i was reminded of this recently due to the way my life is at times.

Three women were walking on a wall,
Feeling, Faith and Fact.
When Feeling took an awful fall,
Then Faith was taken back.
So close was Faith to Feeling,
That He stumbled and fell too.
But Fact remained and pulled Faith back,
And Faith brought Feeling too.

they're saying it

those three words

the ones i always said

and never heard

luckily

the ones i no longer feel

i just thought i'd find someone

before you

that was really all

i wanted, all that mattered

but i didn't.

and i haven't.

and you love her.

if you marry her...

if you do.

i might just never wake up

because it'll all be too real

it means i heard right

and even though

even though i know it

i don't

i wrote this at the honduras board meeting tonight- after learning that our trip scheduled to leave next friday is to be postponed. the situation in honduras is hard and not safe for travel at this time. we will set a date at the time God gives us, obviously after all this has died down.

one heart

we have for You

a dozen hearts

broken over this

two dozen hearts

trusting Your will

without You

we have no clarity

Your will

guides and gives direcion

our faith

may be weak

but still we trust

and still we love

You, only You

Yahweh, our Yahweh

forever Yahweh

completely Yahweh

i know it's the right thing

even if it breaks my heart

i won't get to see those women

for whom i've planned so much

a day awaits

a departure looms

even more disappointing 

might be the not going

finally admitting

and simply realizing

that marriage isn't

that marriage can't be

the end all

the be all

it won't complete

me completely

it won't satiate

all my desires

but i still

really want it

it would seem to me that this will never end

this endless questioning and wondering

this failure to retreat from the present

more and more knowing

a furnace that i face

and a blizzard to my back

the middle ground is no more

regardless of my desires

my skin crackles in front

and it is frostbitten behind

what a place to be

what a place for apathy

sleep doesn't come

mind cannot stop

my thoughts

race and run

my heart

feels and pounds

i cannot live

like this anymore

i cannot be 

who i am

i don't know

i don't care

sleep refused

depression settles in

terrible loneliness

a fearful heart

symbols of love

upon my wrist and my finger

etched and written

encircling and tight

reminders of that love

the kind that doesn't fade

regardless

i want the fading kind

the kind with a kiss

and eventually marriage

tenderness and affection

things i've done without 

i am the only one alone

the table has the chair

the bed has the blanket, and even the pillow

the door has the knob

and i have nothing

my friends date

then get engaged

then marry

and procreate

and i am still alone

my standards aren't that high

nor will i lower them

all i'm asking for is a little love

no, true love

i'm sick of the wait

i'm sick of the options

i need new

i really need new

it seems

ridiculous 

and even naive

to believe 

it is hard

and it is rough

but still

i trust

the sound of this 

in my ears 

is all that i 

can take in

i can't remember the look

on your face

or the clothes 

that you're wearing

all i know

is the sweet sound

that comes from the guitar

in your hands

the words you sing

echo again and again

they connect with

my heart, my heartbeat

your words and my heartbeat

have become synchronized

have become music

and all i can do is listen

i must embrace 

this music we create

even if i'm the only one 

who hears it

the blond tips

all the way to your fingertips

made my heart trip

and made my hands grip

your great white smile

and your big blue eyes

made my feet walk miles

and my heart jump into the skies

you could talk

the Christian talk

and you could even walk

that difficult Christian walk

for a time, for a time you were mine

until there was a sign

that one little lady- sexy and fine

wanted you beneath her waistline

you gave in

you pushed in

you came in

and you broke me

we could be no more

no longer would you walk through my door

you had to go and score

with that little lady upon the floor

no more loving you

and those sparkling blues

you had to choose to do the do

and now i cannot even look at you

be still

i am

know

i do

listen

i don't

act

i fail

can't seem

to figure out

just how

to go about

doing what

i need 

to do

a lot 

is on

my list

but it

seems to

me that

i won't

do it

not one

one thing

at all

will be

accomplished, finished

an incomplete

life, wasted

left wanting

full, but

not full

over

it's over

beginning

just beginning

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck

i'm scared

but excited.

starbucks?

one hundred dollars

what a congratulations

from my own parents

for my graduation

thousands of dollars

all in loans

and i get one hundred dollars

from the people who didn't support

i shouldn't expect

i should know

another hurt

another reason

for me to try 

for me to stop

caring

sleepy

restless

tired

alert

motivated

apathetic

horny

unfulfilled

moving

staying

silent

growling

ending

just the beginning

options

opened

heart

afraid

wandering

circling

wondering

waiting

something new

opportunities abound

worth it

necessary

freedom

caged

graduation

adulthood

still

will it ever stop

will it ever go away

can my heart just quit

and be free

i don't love

i don't care

i can't forget

i want to

i want my heart to quit

the beating, the streaming, and the needing

i want my mind to wander elsewhere

about someone else

i don't want to know

i don't want to hear

i don't give a fuck

and yet somehow

i still do

and i still will

i still

i still...

two weeks

so far

so close

come tomorrow

a change

a break

freedom

it looms

future

my plans

desires

my hopes

work out

or not

try hard

again

i must

succeed

not fear

but trust

again

again i think

again i remember

it never fades

it never stops

i speak of you

and i can't forgive

i think of you

and i remember

it wasn't all bad

there were good times

you seemed to care

you listened well

you knew me better than i wanted

i thought i knew you too

but what i didn't know

would be what made "us" impossible

again i regret

again i reminisce 

the calls the day after

the kisses the night before

everytime i would cry

everytime i would cut

everytime i would wimper

and every other time i didn't

i would bottle it in

refuse to show

i'd keep to myself 

and ignore it all

i'd write it all down

and store it away

never tell you my heart

for fear you'd care less

if that was possible

this

i fell for you

hard

unlike anything before

i loved you

entirely

holding nothing back

i told you

once

that i loved you

i needed you

just

to say it back

but you didn't love me

but you didn't want me

but you didn't care for me

so then why the fuck would you kiss me?

why the hell would you call me?

because you were selfish

because you knew how i felt

because you could get what you wanted

because you didn't care

and because of this

i cannot love

i cannot let go

i cannot forget

i cannot stop

i may not love you

i may not want you

but i remember

and still feel

unvalued and worthless

amor

you have written love all over me

on my heart and on my arms

your love is all over me

surrounding every part of me

your love embraces

your love shapes my every action

your love doesn't fail

it doesn't change

it never deserts

your love never quits

i need your love

i need more of this love

so i have written love upon my arm

to remind me that you did it first

Habakkuk

Art thou not from everlasting

the beginning until the end

beyond my comprehension

of all time and space

Art thou not from everlasting

forever present

forever knowing

before and after it all

Art thou not from everlasting

love that endures

saves, amazes, changes

me and all others

Art thou not from everlasting

a holy and just God

righteous and worthy

from everlasting thou art

Hosea 2

Idolator no more

quit the idolatry

Refuse adultery

unfaithfulness no longer

Ran away, found a wall

too many obstacles

My husband was better

I want to return to him

He allures me, woos me

reminds me of his provision

He remarries me

allows me to know him

I mean really know him

in the most intimate of ways

His compassion still flows

his love never ends

I am his and he is mine

Idolatry no more

Do You...

Do you listen to the prayers of the foolish and the fake?

Do you listen to the prayers of the wordy and the verbose?

Do you hear the children who pray for presents and gifts?

Do you hear the songs of the worship leaders? 

Even if their hearts are far from you?

Do you listen to those who pray for only themselves?

Do you tune us out, close your ears and cover them?

Do you listen to me? My words of selfishness and desire- with no concern for others- no passion for your will.

Do you listen to me and my prayers for gain- financially, romantically, and physically?

Do you hear me and then roll your eyes and turn away?

Do you weep for me?

Do you wish I loved you more?

Do you?

I hope you do. 

I hope you listen.

I hope you weep.

I hope you care- even about the fakers, the lost, the greedy...

even about me

hesed

love Your love

love Your glory

Your hesed

Your everlasting kindness

rekindle my love

reignite my passion

renew my admiration

as well as my dedication

I seek You

and in that search

I seek to learn good

to love justice

as well as to do it

I seek to walk with You

humbly walk beside You

I value You 

and I desire You

if

if i could speak

i would talk to You

i would tell You what i love

and what i hate,

even what i want

maybe i can speak

but are You listening?

do You care?

You say you do,

but is that the case?

my complaints come too often

my wants come before Yours

what about the things that i hate,

they're still around

and the things i love pass away

Lord, hear me. Lord, answer me.

give me a passion for You

give me faith that i cannot understand

i believe Your words and Your existence

i want to trust You, trust You more