I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. The same thing happens to me all the fucking time. I feel like I can by myself with a guy, that I can be real with him. And then he goes and starts liking me. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right… oh wait, I am. He has no right to go liking me. I think I make it pretty obvious I’m not interested. I talk about other guys and stuff like that. I don’t touch him when I don’t have to, I don’t make out with him, I don’t do anything that could be misconstrued as affection for him- if I don’t feel that way. I do not like leading on guys I don’t like.
It was like a movie. Like in slow-motion. I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. How awkward. The door was locked so it took forever to get out. “I want to be more than friends.” I don’t. I don’t even want to be friends with you at this point. I never thought this day would come. I thought the feelings were there. I really did. But I never thought you’d get up the balls to tell me how you felt. I guess you’ve matured or something. But still. I didn’t think you would ever tell me. and here you did. Tonight. Why tonight? Why did you feel you had to tell me? yea, to get it off your chest, to make sure you knew exactly how I felt… but why? I felt horrible having to tell you no. Things are never going to be the same, you do realize that don’t you? We can never go back to the way things were. Things are forever different. I’m never going to forget this night. Ever. Just like I’ve never forgotten the awkward evening, about a year ago, that "douche" told me he liked me. and I had to tell him the same thing.
You would think I would get the hint- stop having guy friends. It only leads to guys wanting to be more than friends. I quit this. I don’t know what to do. You were/are my best guy friend. I have no problem telling you almost anything. I thought you knew me. I thought you did. But obviously, I was mistaken. You don’t know me at all. I’m hurt. My heart hurts. I want to like you. I want to love you. But I can’t do it. I can’t and won’t force myself to have feelings for you. I want to be the best friend to you that I can be, and that means not being more than friends and leading you on. That’s the last thing I want to do.
I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could take it all back. We’ve been friends for over 2 years and I wish I could go back to the beginning and tell you that I won’t ever have feelings for you. I wish I could. Because then this wouldn’t have happened and you would have known my heart and intentions from the start. Why didn’t I do that? Why? Oh wait, because I was interested in you for like 3 weeks. Then I got over it, like I do. Like I’ve told you I do.
I’m such a fuck up. And a horrible friend. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m terrible. And no good. And miserable. And lame. Really, I’m so sorry. I really am. Things aren’t going to be the same and that makes me sad. I shouldn’t have been too close to you. I should have watched things better. I should have noticed the small signs and the larger ones. But I chose to ignore them, hoping you would never tell me. And here you did. And I don’t know what to do but sit here and cry. I’m sorry. Forgive me.
