a song i keep thinking

"this world is empty, pale, and poor compared to knowing You my Lord. so lead me on and i will run after You. lead me on and i will run after You."

so true.

i fail. an epic fail. can't even come close. and yet You do. You draw near. You embrace.

one, two, three, four

blink

and miss

what you should

have seen before

try

and catch

the thing that

escaped your grasp

run

and stop

there's no use

it can't be caught

you

missed it

you failed it

you failed me, too

given up

i give it up

You know what

it's nothing bad

it's nothing lame

it's a good thing

but not right now

can i have it back later

when Your time is right

slow my mind

put a stop to my plans

replace my plans

with Yours

goosebumps

i want to feel Your goosebumps

up and down my arms

reminding me i'm still alive

and that You are near

pinch my skin

whisper in my ear

tell me You love me

and that you'll never leave me

oak

i am an oak of righteousness

tall and firm i stand

only because of Christ

only by His grace

i offer shade and protection

only because God provided the same for me

i am an example of great love

and great faithfulness

the faithfulness of a God everlasting

of a God so personal and close

i stand tall because He is my support

i stand firm because He holds me

He planted me, rooted me, watered me

and so here i stand

to demonstrate His glory

for thousands of generations

it is You

it is You

whom i love

it is You

who stays the same

it is You

whom i desire

it is You

who is full of love

it is You

who doesn't abandon

it is You

and only You

it is You

You and no other

it is You

You and no other

sleep

jeans off
pj pants on
hit the light
crawl into bed
snuggle in blanket
turn on fan
turn off heater
pray
drink water
toss and turn
remember to set alarm
reposition
stick out feet
fall asleep

new

a new me
depends on You.

can You help me
become better?

will you change me?
i know it's possible.

i trade this life
replace it with You.

my life is Yours
Your will is mine.

i rest within You
You heal me- inside and out.

a new me
because of You

finally

it's over
it has been for a while
i just have yet to tell you
but i'm sure my actions speak louder

i don't want to be near you all the time
i don't even care if your name is mentioned
and this is an amazing thing
after 7 years

you think you can get back with me
you think i'll be your bootycall
but i refuse
i'm worth more than that

i let it happen for years
thinking i was no better
thinking i deserved it
because it meant i could be with you

i realize now how stupid i was
and what an ass you were
i don't love you anymore
i never will again

so you can call me all you want
you can try and be all sweet and nice
but you will never have this heart again
because it has moved on

i'm tired but
i'm awake

i'm sad and yet
i'm content

i'm me and somehow
i'm not

i'm ungrateful
i'm thoughtless
i'm selfish
i'm a child

i am thankful that You love me
i am thankful that You've never left me and never will
i am thankful that You complete me
i am thankful for all You have provided

i'm closing my eyes
and dreaming of You.

how Your words will soothe my soul
and how Your smile will calm my fears

i need You to hold me tightly
wrap me in the tightest embrace

i want You to kiss my tears away
and remind me that Your love surpasses all others

i want You to whisper in my ear that You will never leave my side
and especially never my heart

i need You to complete me as you never have before
fill this broken and cracked clay vessel
with whatever You see fit

take my hand
move my feet
lead my heart
control my mind

scattered
broken
scarred
haphazard

these describe me

ignoring
fleeing
sleeping
forgetting

all the things i shouldn't be doing

trusting
knowing
loving
caring

4 things i don't do enough

all the things i need to do
are all the things i do not do

i can't escape the feeling that it will one day end
and i will not be loved
and that no one will give a fuck
and that...

i'll be alone.

why does this matter so much to me? i don't know why i fear being alone. i wish i did. i know that God will never leave me. but i can't help but crave companionship. i want a man by my side and next to me in bed every morning.

an incomplete
i'll always be

forever void
and without love

never truly
loved and loving

not a movie
not a poem

an empty life
nothing to share

2

i am
myself
even
when i
don't want
to be

i try
to move
onward
but still
behind

i live
each day
knowing
that i'm
not her

i hate
being
i love
being
me

tonight

i just finished watching a really sappy Christian love movie. and i thought i would hate it. i thought it would be cliche and that i would mock it forever.

it was cliche and predictable. and i probably will mock it for all eternity. but you know what... it was good. i'll get to that...

but it was also bad. the acting was horrible. i hated the lead girl. i knew exactly what was going to happen next at every step. and it really made me aware of the lack of quality guys in this world. the lack of men who are in love with Jesus Christ.

that's what bothered me the most about this movie. it reminded me how much i love Jesus for all that He has done for me and all that He is for me. and you know what... i don't know. i don't think i can bring to mind one guy that i know who gets emotional, excited, passionate, and just overwhelmed when he talks about God and all that pertains to Him. maybe i'm wrong or i've just never witnessed it. and i'm sorry if i am wrong, but i would really like to be proven wrong.

it is so wrong for me to want to get married? why do i feel judged and that my desire to be a wife is something bad? so what? yes. i crave love, companionship, sex, and all that comes with marriage.

i want a Godly man. this shouldn't be too much to ask. i want a man who will lead. i want a man whose love for Christ makes me not only fall in love with him, but more in love with Christ. there are so few of these guys, aren't there...

i loved kirk cameron. i respect him. i could tell you 2 reasons why. and i will if you ask. i loved the salt and pepper analogy. and i loved the simple gospel message of this movie.

i want to love and be loved.

five

i feel i cannot
break through this brick wall
i really need life
on the other side
run climb fall climb fall

this is the pattern
ridiculous, right?
why can't it change now?
must i fall again?
scale the wall, fall down

again and again
same quagmire today
same thing tomorrow
i have tried and failed
i am not controlled

i crave more, so much
but am i willing
to do what it takes
to obtain it all?
i doubt i can be

will You help me please?
I need You so much
right now, forever
change it all, Yahweh
i love You, love You.

yet again...

I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. The same thing happens to me all the fucking time. I feel like I can by myself with a guy, that I can be real with him. And then he goes and starts liking me. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right… oh wait, I am. He has no right to go liking me. I think I make it pretty obvious I’m not interested. I talk about other guys and stuff like that. I don’t touch him when I don’t have to, I don’t make out with him, I don’t do anything that could be misconstrued as affection for him- if I don’t feel that way. I do not like leading on guys I don’t like.

It was like a movie. Like in slow-motion. I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. How awkward. The door was locked so it took forever to get out. “I want to be more than friends.” I don’t. I don’t even want to be friends with you at this point. I never thought this day would come. I thought the feelings were there. I really did. But I never thought you’d get up the balls to tell me how you felt. I guess you’ve matured or something. But still. I didn’t think you would ever tell me. and here you did. Tonight. Why tonight? Why did you feel you had to tell me? yea, to get it off your chest, to make sure you knew exactly how I felt… but why? I felt horrible having to tell you no. Things are never going to be the same, you do realize that don’t you? We can never go back to the way things were. Things are forever different. I’m never going to forget this night. Ever. Just like I’ve never forgotten the awkward evening, about a year ago, that "douche" told me he liked me. and I had to tell him the same thing.

You would think I would get the hint- stop having guy friends. It only leads to guys wanting to be more than friends. I quit this. I don’t know what to do. You were/are my best guy friend. I have no problem telling you almost anything. I thought you knew me. I thought you did. But obviously, I was mistaken. You don’t know me at all. I’m hurt. My heart hurts. I want to like you. I want to love you. But I can’t do it. I can’t and won’t force myself to have feelings for you. I want to be the best friend to you that I can be, and that means not being more than friends and leading you on. That’s the last thing I want to do.

I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could take it all back. We’ve been friends for over 2 years and I wish I could go back to the beginning and tell you that I won’t ever have feelings for you. I wish I could. Because then this wouldn’t have happened and you would have known my heart and intentions from the start. Why didn’t I do that? Why? Oh wait, because I was interested in you for like 3 weeks. Then I got over it, like I do. Like I’ve told you I do.

I’m such a fuck up. And a horrible friend. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m terrible. And no good. And miserable. And lame. Really, I’m so sorry. I really am. Things aren’t going to be the same and that makes me sad. I shouldn’t have been too close to you. I should have watched things better. I should have noticed the small signs and the larger ones. But I chose to ignore them, hoping you would never tell me. And here you did. And I don’t know what to do but sit here and cry. I’m sorry. Forgive me.

another wedding

today was another wedding... the 4th this summer. i wrote this while the bride and groom were dancing their first dance and while the bride and her father were dancing.

please excuse the tone of bitterness and sadness at the fact that i am single.

i so crave intimacy
i so desire to be loved
i do not want to be alone
i cannot live like this

there must be more
there better be love for me
there has to be someone for me
there should be a soulmate for me

so why am i alone?
so why am i jealous?
so why do i cry?
so why can't i have him now?

i am

i am
everything and everything
because of You

i may fail
i just might fall
i'll even bleed

but what I have
and what I know
is because of You

pick me up
dust me off
hold me close

whisper words
kiss my face
remind me

i think i know
tell me again
show me once more

hard

this is hard. 
i'm conflicted.
immensely overwhelmed.
painfully aware.
ridiculously indifferent.

and yet. 
i'm not.
hugely relieved.
happily unburdened.
slightly joyful.

for what?
for whom?
how?
these questions have no answers.
my answers make no sense.

i see.
i taste.
i feel.
i know.
each opposite at the same time.

am i alone in this?
will i be?