i'm tired but
i'm awake

i'm sad and yet
i'm content

i'm me and somehow
i'm not

i'm ungrateful
i'm thoughtless
i'm selfish
i'm a child

i am thankful that You love me
i am thankful that You've never left me and never will
i am thankful that You complete me
i am thankful for all You have provided

i'm closing my eyes
and dreaming of You.

how Your words will soothe my soul
and how Your smile will calm my fears

i need You to hold me tightly
wrap me in the tightest embrace

i want You to kiss my tears away
and remind me that Your love surpasses all others

i want You to whisper in my ear that You will never leave my side
and especially never my heart

i need You to complete me as you never have before
fill this broken and cracked clay vessel
with whatever You see fit

take my hand
move my feet
lead my heart
control my mind

scattered
broken
scarred
haphazard

these describe me

ignoring
fleeing
sleeping
forgetting

all the things i shouldn't be doing

trusting
knowing
loving
caring

4 things i don't do enough

all the things i need to do
are all the things i do not do

i can't escape the feeling that it will one day end
and i will not be loved
and that no one will give a fuck
and that...

i'll be alone.

why does this matter so much to me? i don't know why i fear being alone. i wish i did. i know that God will never leave me. but i can't help but crave companionship. i want a man by my side and next to me in bed every morning.

an incomplete
i'll always be

forever void
and without love

never truly
loved and loving

not a movie
not a poem

an empty life
nothing to share

2

i am
myself
even
when i
don't want
to be

i try
to move
onward
but still
behind

i live
each day
knowing
that i'm
not her

i hate
being
i love
being
me

tonight

i just finished watching a really sappy Christian love movie. and i thought i would hate it. i thought it would be cliche and that i would mock it forever.

it was cliche and predictable. and i probably will mock it for all eternity. but you know what... it was good. i'll get to that...

but it was also bad. the acting was horrible. i hated the lead girl. i knew exactly what was going to happen next at every step. and it really made me aware of the lack of quality guys in this world. the lack of men who are in love with Jesus Christ.

that's what bothered me the most about this movie. it reminded me how much i love Jesus for all that He has done for me and all that He is for me. and you know what... i don't know. i don't think i can bring to mind one guy that i know who gets emotional, excited, passionate, and just overwhelmed when he talks about God and all that pertains to Him. maybe i'm wrong or i've just never witnessed it. and i'm sorry if i am wrong, but i would really like to be proven wrong.

it is so wrong for me to want to get married? why do i feel judged and that my desire to be a wife is something bad? so what? yes. i crave love, companionship, sex, and all that comes with marriage.

i want a Godly man. this shouldn't be too much to ask. i want a man who will lead. i want a man whose love for Christ makes me not only fall in love with him, but more in love with Christ. there are so few of these guys, aren't there...

i loved kirk cameron. i respect him. i could tell you 2 reasons why. and i will if you ask. i loved the salt and pepper analogy. and i loved the simple gospel message of this movie.

i want to love and be loved.

five

i feel i cannot
break through this brick wall
i really need life
on the other side
run climb fall climb fall

this is the pattern
ridiculous, right?
why can't it change now?
must i fall again?
scale the wall, fall down

again and again
same quagmire today
same thing tomorrow
i have tried and failed
i am not controlled

i crave more, so much
but am i willing
to do what it takes
to obtain it all?
i doubt i can be

will You help me please?
I need You so much
right now, forever
change it all, Yahweh
i love You, love You.