finally admitting

and simply realizing

that marriage isn't

that marriage can't be

the end all

the be all

it won't complete

me completely

it won't satiate

all my desires

but i still

really want it

it would seem to me that this will never end

this endless questioning and wondering

this failure to retreat from the present

more and more knowing

a furnace that i face

and a blizzard to my back

the middle ground is no more

regardless of my desires

my skin crackles in front

and it is frostbitten behind

what a place to be

what a place for apathy

sleep doesn't come

mind cannot stop

my thoughts

race and run

my heart

feels and pounds

i cannot live

like this anymore

i cannot be 

who i am

i don't know

i don't care

sleep refused

depression settles in

terrible loneliness

a fearful heart

symbols of love

upon my wrist and my finger

etched and written

encircling and tight

reminders of that love

the kind that doesn't fade

regardless

i want the fading kind

the kind with a kiss

and eventually marriage

tenderness and affection

things i've done without 

i am the only one alone

the table has the chair

the bed has the blanket, and even the pillow

the door has the knob

and i have nothing

my friends date

then get engaged

then marry

and procreate

and i am still alone

my standards aren't that high

nor will i lower them

all i'm asking for is a little love

no, true love

i'm sick of the wait

i'm sick of the options

i need new

i really need new

it seems

ridiculous 

and even naive

to believe 

it is hard

and it is rough

but still

i trust

the sound of this 

in my ears 

is all that i 

can take in

i can't remember the look

on your face

or the clothes 

that you're wearing

all i know

is the sweet sound

that comes from the guitar

in your hands

the words you sing

echo again and again

they connect with

my heart, my heartbeat

your words and my heartbeat

have become synchronized

have become music

and all i can do is listen

i must embrace 

this music we create

even if i'm the only one 

who hears it

the blond tips

all the way to your fingertips

made my heart trip

and made my hands grip

your great white smile

and your big blue eyes

made my feet walk miles

and my heart jump into the skies

you could talk

the Christian talk

and you could even walk

that difficult Christian walk

for a time, for a time you were mine

until there was a sign

that one little lady- sexy and fine

wanted you beneath her waistline

you gave in

you pushed in

you came in

and you broke me

we could be no more

no longer would you walk through my door

you had to go and score

with that little lady upon the floor

no more loving you

and those sparkling blues

you had to choose to do the do

and now i cannot even look at you